the Rescuer

Have you ever wondered if you are a rescuer? Do you enjoy helping people, knowing that somehow you are making a difference in their life? Do you feel more successful the more people you help? Well, I'm that way. I always tend to be friends, or make friends, with people who are in serious emotional messes or having a hard time, because I'm empathetic...I try to put myself in their shoes. Sometimes I feel like I should help, because that is what I feel I'm being prodded to do. But there have been times when I've helped too much, and ended up enabling people to stay in their bad habits. That is the type of "rescuer" I don't want to be.
Something I am reading right now has a section on "rescuers" ...
I went back into a relationship that I had run from...because after I started talking to the person again, I came to the conclusion that I was going to be the one person in his life who didn't let him down. I was going to be the best friend he had never had, even before, when we were in a relationship previously. he needed me...that gave me a sense of belonging...when it should have given me a sense of "DUH"
I know there are great characteristics in this person also, but it sure is frustrating to find out that other people feel this way also, and know that it's not a good thing. I stopped going to the church I belonged to because they were warning me against going back to him. I started staying with him more, even though my Mom even told me she thought we needed some counseling to take care of our stuff, but we didn't get any. We thought we could take care of things on our own, talking it through. After a while, I ended up hearing things about what he did while we were separated that made me angry, and the accusations about what I did wrong during our separation began to mount up. I became so angry, and so frustrated, and trapped. I felt I couldn't go anywhere, because I had put myself back in this situation determined that I was going to "fix it", but I was being "attacked!" I was being told what I had done "wrong" and that is not what I wanted to hear at all. no one wants to feel criticized...right? I know that my partner's attacks on my character are unjust, but on an emotional level, sometimes i believed the treatment I was getting. In the section of the book I'm reading, it says "Criticism is a corrosive acid that eats away feelings of self-worth and fractures the bonds that keep people together." Lying is the same...it's just a different type of acid...or is it a base? I don't know. I failed Chemistry...I just couldn't focus well enough to get it...so I went to Geology and KICKED ASS :)
The thing is...my partner was right about one thing...I am imperfect, I was imperfect, I will never be perfect. Everyone has that characteristic. " All human beings have the delicious and inalienable rigth to be imperfect. Not only that, you get the right to want and need things foryourself, too. Compromises are supposed to be mutual."
I have to remind myself..when I remember, that while he is very smart, intuitive..has a radar almost for people's character and personality, and has been able to be in a lot of different feels, making him feel like a Jack of all Trades, he is NOT an objective authority on my character! No one else has the power to define me, but ME. I have to trust myself, and empower myself to set limits, because I am starting to give myself the "authority" to finally , truly, believe that I have a right to set them!

I have stopped giving up things that I enjoy simply because he doesn't like them or agree w/ the concept. I have to have my own identity, and I Need to feel that I am allowed to do my own thing, and have my own hobbies and beliefs, or I will go insane@! Even though a marriage vow typically makes it sound like the people are Enmeshed together as one, it doesn't mean you have to like the same things now, irregardless on how one person feels about it. I have my own friends, and my own choices that I make, and I don't need to give them up...especially so I can sit around and watch him be miserable because he doesn't have any hobbies!!!

This is how I know I'm a rescuer:

I gain self-worth from being needed and making sacrifices
I overfocus on the problems of others, often trying to fix the problems.
I place a great deal of value on being "good" and I define myself sometimes by what others think of me.
I constantly seek approval.
I don't have a low sense of self worth, but I did once, and felt insecure and doubted my ideas and needs. I am getting better about that.
I strive to meet others' expectations of me without questioning whether the expectations are reasonable or not. (getting better about this too)
I take too much responsibility for the feelings of others ( not as much as I used to)
I will do anything to keep the peace and to avoid conflict...sometimes I will even take the blame for things that aren't my fault...this happens mostly at home, if my DH is hollering at my oldest daughter for doing something he thinks she has done...like leaving the bathroom door open, and the dog being able to go in and empty the trash can. I will just say it's me...somehow that makes me think it will be better...? Why? I dunnow
I used to dive into relationships quickly based on intuition rather than real shared interests, values, or goals. I ended up making some really stupid relationship choices.
I also believed at one time that I could make a relationship happen by force of will, and believed I could make someone love me by being really tenacious...well i know THAT's not true, lol.
I feel that I act the way I do because I need to be needed. Sometimes it provides me with an identity and self esteem. I used to feel lost on my own. But I'm getting better. I know that I'm not the only one who can solve someone's problems now...because I was not created, made, born, for that, or I feel I would have been told that, lol.

The effects that have happened to me because I have felt like I should be a rescuer in certain situations have caused me to feel manipulated, intimidated, powerless, irritated, angry, and frustrated. I seem to give everything that I have, but it's never enough. I try to please, and end up being criticized, and humiliated, and instead of feeling blissful, I end up feeling despair. I tend to waiver back and forth about my situation because my ability to make good decisions has been diminished. I ask many people's opinions on what I should do...only to find that I'm the only one who has the answer to that one, and I am going to have to make a decision either way...and it scares me. It really does. I'm getting stronger...but it's been a rough road...so I'm hoping for a smooth road after I get through hiking through this bramble...

(I got some of this information from The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger, author of "Stop Walking on Eggshells")