BPD aggravation

Without going into all of the BS that I am feeling because I am with a person who suffers from BPD, I'm going to post, some of the things that people feel when they are experiencing switching and splitting...without putting names up...I just have to get this out...It's about to burst out of me...and I can't do that right now.
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My BPD/bf and I had a blow up today.. what was said doesn't matter
here, but my response wasn't good. I tried to argue back and the
escalation was so bad - I lost myself to blind anger and while I was
yelling I was so upset I actually saw white shimmering spots all
through out my field of vision... It scared me enough for me to stop
screaming and breath and disengage.. The spots lasted about 20 to 30
seconds. I normally don't yell back. I don't like to get angry. The
spots scared me. I can't allow myself to get that upset. How do the
rest of you cope when your SOs are angering you???

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Well I have to admit that I would get so angry that I was spitting as I was
yelling. I could just feel myself getting so out of control. The really
strange thing is that once I got that mad, he calmed down. It was like he
transferred all his anger to me and then he was fine. I felt like he was
getting me to act out his anger. It was the same when he got mad at someone
at work. He would come home raging and when I got upset over what he was
telling me, he let me be angry for him. Not very healthy on my part, eh!

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At least you're able to admit that you crossed a line. You know what you
have to work on. I think that's half the battle. I realize it myself, but I
have a very hard time owning up when I lose control. I feel pushed, and when
I'm feeling pushed, I feel like my anger is justified, so then I get
resentful and it's very difficult to say "I was wrong to get that angry,"
even though it's true. I'm working very hard on this. I was never an angry
person before I met my BPH, and I don't want to be that person now.

What gets me every time is when my husband pushes every one of my buttons so
that I reach a breaking point and then reacts just as you mentioned
below--he calms down as though he's transferred all his anger to me. To make
it worse, that's when HE starts telling ME that I need to calm down. He'll
very quietly and smoothly say things like, "Just look at yourself; you're
out of control. Am I shouting? Am I swearing? No. You need to pull yourself
together."

Wha-?!

It leaves me crying tears of frustration, and so angry that sometimes I find
myself screaming or punching the wall. I absolutely *hate* getting to that
point, and I've made it my goal this year, and for the rest of my life,
never to let anyone control me by making me that angry again.

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I have been there many times. My h is still in honeymoon phase, and he is acting like the world's most perfect husband in every way. I have noticed that I am the one getting annoyed now- interesting how this switch has occurred! I couldn't figure it out- trying to blame hormones, health issues, etc. A few times when I have been snippy (not to his extent) he has come and rubbed my shoulders, asking if there is anything he can do, etc, which I have realized is irritating me even more. At first I thought I was losing my mind, but now I realize that part of me is still angry about all the past hurts and behaviors. Now he is acting syrupy sweet, like we are in the dating phase, and part of me is repulsed. I feel bad about it and haven't shared this of course, but not quite sure how to handle it. I have scheduled some outings with friends hoping some time away will be good. Has anyone experienced this? He is trying really hard and his meds seem to
be working wonders. I don't want it to be too late for us, but I am wondering if too much damage has been done, or do I just need more time. I am feeling guilty, telling myself I should be thrilled with his progress. Does this make sense to anyone?

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Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life
are:

• SWOE ("Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for
everyone)
• LOVE AND LOATHING (for all partners)
• SPLITTING & CUSTODY CDs (for divorcing partners)
• HOPE FOR PARENTS

Call 888-35-SHELL (888-357-4355) to order your copies.

From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community Yahoo!
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