Just when I thought I got my footing...

I fell down again...and this time busted my knee wide open. Only this time, my mommy isn't there to put a bandaid on it, and the person I thought I could depend on, is mad at me because I can't "get my shit straight" and stay focused on him. I am lost, again, in a downward spiral. Went to file taxes, hoping we would get a refund and counting on it, to catch up on some bills. We owe money... and owe the place that prepared the return, only here's the catch... we don't have the money to pay them... so we just won't for now. We can't. What now? What do you do when life throws something at you that you can't catch? I have no idea, but I don't have any backups this time, and I don't know how long it will take to recover from this huge slap in the face. Trying to communicate in my relationship has also hit a brick wall because I lost it, and became exactly the person I didn't want to be...the insecure, self doubting, bawling, slobbering pile of goo, that does nothing to inspire any pity from the person who is watching, because they are tired of it. They are sick of it, but they won't do anything about it, except gloat that they aren't the ones who are the most pitiful now. I am. I am the most pitiful, and instead of being strong... I have to be an Igor type character, and shuffle my way back over and say "What is thy bidding my master?" while the evil scientist looks at me with contempt and tells me that if I don't start being a good assistant, that he will get rid of me...and me with my fear of rejection, says "Whatever you please..." While down inside my resentment boils dangerously close to the surface yet again. It's like bile inside my throat...causing me to be nauseous and sick...from the anxiety, and the stress that I am putting myself through. I am wondering now if I am a self masochist...