New Psych

I am seeing a new psychiatrist this week. After feeling like I wasn't being listened to by my previous one, I decided after my miscarriage, that I needed to get in to see another one. I simply can't explain any more to the one I had, that I wasn't getting better, and that what he was prescribing me wasn't working. I found something I wrote back in January of last year that makes me feel very discouraged. It read like I wrote it yesterday. In addition to feeling depressed, and anxious, I also have the unplanned pregnancy, and miscarriage that have jumped on board with the rest of my issues. I have been moody, irritable, anxious, paranoid, and have been getting tension headaches or sour stomach on a daily basis, because I cannot seem to control my stress. Everything seems too big, right now. I can't carry it without help, and I don't feel like I am getting any from the person that I should be able to depend on. When I do express concerns, I am looked at blankly, and told that I am the reason that things aren't working. My negativity is causing a rift that may not be able to be healed. I try to hold in my aggrivation, and when I cannot anymore, I erupt like a volcano, unable to stop. My words come out like spewing lava, burning whomever they hit...and I sit inside and watch myself explode, wanting to stop it, but not sure how. There are so many things I am upset about, and worried about right now, and nothing seems to be going right. The things that are going right seem miniscule compared to what is going wrong. I hope that I can stick to the basics, and not expect him to be a counselor, because that is not what he does. All he needs to know is if I feel like I can function in real life, and if not, what kind of things are getting in the way of me functioning properly. I need to figure out what is really going on inside me, and not just the learned behaviors, or coping mechanisms that I have picked up from being sad and disappointed for so long. I realize that a lot of this is contigent upon how I view myself, and my situation. If I were less negative about things, and could see the positive in each little tear in the fabric, I might be more willing to be optimistic, but instead of light, when the fabric is held up, I see nothing but dark, and turmoil, and fear. I keep being told by people that I need to let go and let God. I don't want to let go, and just depend on God to catch me. I don't have the faith that it takes to trust that God really loves me like people say he does. God wants me to be happy... God wants me to be successful... God wants me to be prosperous. That is just a bunch of horseshit to me. I don't think he really cares about me specifically...or gives a crap whether I have a good day or not. There are certain things that bring me relief, and right now, I see none of those in sight. No oasis, just desert, for miles and miles and miles.