Self Pity

I read an article on this today, and I know that I am dreadfully guilty of having awful self pity. I've been this way for a LONG time, and can't seem to break out of the mold. I know that I have several friends who want to tell me, MOVE ON ALREADY...enough with the depression crap!!! If you're not happy in your marriage, do something about it!!!! I realize that I should move on, and that I should get a different attitude or I'm never going to get out of this loop that I'm in. It does bother me, and it does hurt, over and over again, and I can't seem to break free of it. I don't know if it's because I don't want to, because it's comfortable, or because I just can't because of circumstances involved. What I need to do is list differences in how I was feeling a year ago, and now... and try to improve on the things that are good, and change the things that are bad... change them permenantly. There is a show on the Scyfy channel called Being Human, and one of the characters is a Ghost who relives his death every day, b/c it is comfortable to him. it's horrible...it's something that keeps him from moving foward and finding his "door" to wherever ghosts go. That reminded me of myself. I keep rehashing this crap that I'm going through, blaming my husband for being a jerk, and blaming certain circumstances for keeping me in the same endless loop of pain and suffering. I am having breakdowns more often now since my miscarriage in December, and lashing out at my husband when I can't handle his behavior any more. Some things, I just need to accept and move on...or change the way they are affecting me. It's tough work, but I think I'm just a little bit more ready to do it than I was before when I had this type of revelation.

1. I'm living in a much nicer house, granted the rent is higher, but it is in a nice neighborhood, it is a newer house. I have a choice whether I let it get cluttered or not, and I have a choice to either clean or leave it for other people in my family to do. I need to delegate instead of doing it all myself and then being pissed because no one else did it before I decided to do it. There is an extra room, which we haven't had before, which I need to try to work on, and create a room that I can be in, and be relaxed, and enjoy quiet...I have the right to have one of those rooms in my house.

2. My kids... as much as they act up, and make mistakes and make messes... they are growing up, they are not staying the same age forever, and they need me right now, for how old they are right now, not to focus on the little messes, but to focus on loving them unconditionally. Mistakes will be made, they will say oops...I didn't mean to say that Mom, I'm sorry. The way I react to my kids is teaching them how to react to others. I MUST understand that, and not focus on how much it is bothering me. They are gifts...for me to enjoy, and for me to raise to be responsible, happy, well adjusted adults. I realize there are boundaries that I have to put in effect, and consequences if they overstep those boundaries, but the way I react will greatly affect the way they view my love for them. I must not live in the past, but live in the present, and love in the present.

3. My husband. Oh goodness, I could go on and on and on about this issue, but the truth is, he is there. He is working to help provide for our family. He can only do so much, and is not super human. There is no way he can read my mind, and no way he can react the way I want him to all the time. I cannot keep expecting 100 percent out of him when I am only giving 50% because I'm too worried about the past and something he said the other day that hurt my feelings.


4. My depression. It is what it is...I need to beat it. I need to own it, and beat it down. The commercials where the depression is animated and follows the woman around remind me of my depression. Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed by it, and sometimes I feel swallowed by it, but over all i am a good, decent, person, with talents, and potential, and I am letting my depression overwhelm me, and own me, instead of me owning it and putting it on a leash.

5. My temper. It needs to be drastically reduced. My reactions and boiling over has to stop. I get into a downward spiral, focused on something that was done or said, and make that the biggest thing in my life, instead of just looking at it the way it is, an event. It is NOT my whole life, it does not deserve my full attention. I AM wrong sometimes, more than I think. I cannot keep thinking that I am doing everything right, and not doing a check on myself every now and then. I don't like to go back over things, in fact that has always been an issue for me, but it's something I need to change.


6. What I can't control: I need to let this stuff go. I cannot change the price of gas. I cannot change the fact that grocery prices are skyrocketing. I can't change the fact that we owe taxes this year instead of getting a refund, I can't change that I have been reckless in the past and messed up my credit. All I can do now is control what I can, and let the rest go.


7. Believe in myself. Start realizing my potential and my talents, and developing them, not being sad that I can't do everything that I want to do. I can only do one thing at a time and do it well. I am a strong person. I have dealt with a lot and I have grown, and learned from the past. Sometimes I don't feel like I have, and that I'm going to collapse underneath the pressure of a particularly stressful situation, but I haven't collapsed yet. I'm still waking up every morning, going to work, getting my kids fed, paying my bills, and living my life. Nothing has stopped or ground to a halt, that I can't step around or over.


8. Apologize for my faults, and endeavor to do better